I Should Have Been After You
by alwaysbringback-up
Summary: Hermione finds a very special way to thank Harry for all he's done, and she may just uncover some hidden feelings that will change their relationship forever. Could be a one shot or maybe more. H/HR pairing


**_A/N: A bit of an alternative take to the end of Deathly Hallows. I'm sorry, but I've always been a bit of a Harry/Hermione advocate. It's not that I don't like the other pairings. In fact, I don't mind them at all. But for the longest time (practically the whole series) I had this notion that Harry and Hermione fit together so very perfectly. And I can see why, Rowling paired Harry with Ginny and Ron with Hermione, I really can, but at the same time I must embrace what I believe to be a 'great' almost epic love. _**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own HP or it's characters._**

When Harry ran off to face the dark lord by himself, he had thought he was doing everyone a favor, but as it turned out, he was doing anything but. His intent was to protect them, to spare further loss of life in a war he could only blame himself for. However, at the same time, he was shoving aside the feelings of all of his closest friends. To say that Hermione, Ron, Ginny and the others felt anything upon hearing Voldemort's announcement he had killed 'the boy who lived, would be a lie, but only because all of them were so very desperate not to feel anything at all. The pain was far too excruciating to all of them…to real. They had already lost so much, and to think that someone they loved so very much had been taken from them was agony in the worst way.

'No,' Hermione repeated in a mantra as Voldemort's cold voice boomed throughout the castle grounds, 'He's lying. Harry wouldn't do that...he _wouldn't!"_

Hermione would not let herself believe it. She couldn't. Because Harry had been a huge part of her life for the last eight years, and she wasn't willing to admit that Harry wouldn't be a part of her life anymore. Hermione felt her heart pound away in her chest as she struggled to cope with the news. She needed proof. She needed to see it with her own eyes. Her feet moved of their own power as she rushed to the door with the rest of the crowd. She could hear the whispers of disbelief sound in a tidal wave around her as the others, too, tried to figure out if they were being lied to.

She felt her heart shatter in the most painful way imaginable as she ran out the front doors to find Hagrid stalking up the grounds toward the castle. No words could describe the emptiness Hermione felt when she saw him lying lifeless in Hagrid's arms. At first, she continued to find herself in a state denial and disbelief, but then she realized it was real.

_"NO!" Hermione found herself screaming, her voice high and broken in anguish. "Not Harry! NO!" _Her voice was lost in the torrent of other screams. All were full of unbelievable sorrow and disbelief. Hermione suddenly felt anger as she realized for the first time that tt sounded exactly like something Harry would do. Harry was by definition a selfless, compassionate individual who never cared more for his own feelings than he did for others. Hermione knew that he would be willing to take on the world on his own shoulders if it meant that no one else would have to suffer or know loss. Unfortunately, Harry had never realized that his own selflessness could cause Hermione so much emotional anguish and torment. There was something incredibly unbearable in knowing that she would never see his sparkling emerald green eyes again. She wanted to scream at him, yell at him for the pain he was causing her, but she knew she could not.

Hermione watched the scene play out before her own eyes, finding herself unable to say or do anything. Tears streaked down her face as she cried out his name, hoping that he would respond to her voice. Her need.

Hermione felt nothing short of regret and bitterness as she realized Harry might never know how she felt about him, and even more in knowing Harry had assumed she loved Ron and valued Ron's life more than his own. Harry could not have been more mistaken. In some respects, Harry was right. Hermione did care for Ron greatly, and had you asked her mere hours ago, she may have even told you she was "in love with" Ron. But there is something to be said about great loss and its ability to put things into a new perspective.

With a startling paralyzing intensity, Hermione had realized only seconds after she had discovered Harry's fate and verified it with her own eyes, exactly how much she loved him. It felt as if her life was over, as if it had suddenly lost its meaning. It was cruel really, the void she now felt in place of her heart. She suddenly found herself bartering with the powers that be in a vain attempt to steal him back.

_'Please," She begged silently, over and over, "Please don't let this be real. I'll do anything. I will.'_ She offered everything that she could think of. And she honestly would have given everything to be with him, to bring him back, but luckily she didn't have to. Only mere minutes after his supposed death, Harry rose again from the dead to finish what had been started so many years ago.

Hermione felt her chest swell with pride as she watched Harry handle himself in the Great Hall. His courage in the face of adversity was nothing short of admirable. As she watched Harry fulfill his destiny and end the war, she felt great relief. But nothing…nothing could extinguish the burning in her chest that still pained her. She knew that there was only one person who would be able to do that. Harry. She needed Harry. She needed to be able to verify it with her own senses. She needed proof that it wasn't a dream, that she wasn't simply imagining something she wanted so badly. A simple touch would hopefully serve that purpose.

As Ron swept Hermione up in yet another hug of victory in the middle of the Great Hall, Harry used the chance to slip away from them and everyone else. She could tell throughout the whole of the festivities that Harry was aching to get away from the attention. And Hermione could understand that he wanted some time by himself to take it all in. She felt as if she were still in shock herself. But even so, Hermione felt his absence immediately as if Harry had ripped away her heart once more, and as Ron set her down, Hermione began to look around in a panic. Harry was gone.

"Hermione?" Ron asked as tears began to slip down her cheeks, "You okay?"

"W-Where's Harry?" Hermione breathed, her heart pounding in her chest as she looked quickly about the great hall.

"I'm sure he's fine," Ron replied, "I'm guessing that he just wanted to get away from all of the attention. You know him, he's probably up in the tower, trying to hide."

"Yeah," Hermione swallowed nervously, "Right." Hermione looked around one last time, "Well, I'm just going to go check on him. I'll be right back."

"I'll come with," Ron said as he grabbed her hand and started to lead her out of the Great Hall.

"No," Hermione was a little too quick to protest, and Hermione felt embarrassed as she realized how harshly she had spoken the word, as if Ron was not wanted. Ron's eyes flashed for a moment in hurt.

"Is something wrong?" Ron stopped walking, a look of pain on his features.

"No," Hermione lied, "I'd just like to… to talk to him alone for a couple of minutes." Hermione shot Ron an apologetic glance. "Please?"

"Yeah," Ron mumbled, "Okay. I should probably stay with my family anyways. I'll be up in a little bit."

"Kay," Hermione whispered as she took her hand out of his. "Thanks Ron."

The walk up to Gryffindor tower seemed one of the longest Hermione could remember as thoughts raced around her mind. What was she supposed to say to Harry? She wasn't exactly prepared to risk losing his friendship. She knew what Harry assumed to be the truth, which was that she, Hermione, longed to be with Ron. But...that wasn't exactly the truth. As she walked slowly up the steps to the tower, she kept forcing herself to remember that Harry still loved Ginny. Now that the war was over, there was a good chance that Harry would be ready to sweep Ginny back into his arms. Hermione let out a nervous sigh as she kept walking. Her palms were sweaty and she hastily wiped them on her jeans. The fat lady wasn't in her portrait, but it swung open regardless. Her breath was heavy and uneven as she walked slowly across the common room and paused at the foot of the stairs up to the boy's dormitory. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts, before ascending the stairs to the boy's dormitory. She pushed open the door without a second thought.

Harry was inside, gazing absently out of the window, seemingly watching the sunrise. Hermione smiled as her stomach suddenly was filled with butterflies. It was a strange sensation that Hermione knew she would have to get used to. Hermione stood for a long moment, just watching him, taking in everything about him. She listened as Harry let out a sigh as he raked a hand through his hair. She could tell something was troubling him and suddenly felt as if she were intruding on something deeply personal. She turned to leave but froze as the floorboard squeaked underneath her right foot. She whirled back around just in time to meet Harry's eyes.

"Hey," Harry greeted her his eyes missing their usual warmth.

"Hi," Hermione replied in a broken voice as she shut the door behind her.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked immediately. "Why are you crying?" Harry asked with worry as he quickly stood up and crossed the room, closing the distance between them. With slow gentle movements Harry reached up to wipe away her tears with his thumb. He quickly pulled her into a hug and kissed her on the top of her head as he pulled away.

"I…I don't know," Hermione replied. "I'm sorry."

"You're supposed to be happy," Harry said softly with a teasing glint slowly becoming apparent his green eyes.

"I know, right?" Hermione said as she let out a laugh of self-depreciation. "I'm sorry I'm such a basket case. It's just that everything happened so fast, and I'm still waiting for it all to catch up with me, you know?"

"Yeah," Harry nodded, "I know how you feel."

"And look at you," Hermione said as she reached out for Harry's hand, "You could enjoy yourself a little bit too, Harry." Harry suddenly had a look in his eyes that told her Harry was far away in some distant place. "Harry?" Harry shook his head and looked at her, pulling himself out of whatever thought or memory he had been experiencing.

"Sorry," Harry muttered.

"Harry," Hermione whispered sadly, "What's bothering you?"

"It's nothing," Harry shook his head as he ran his hand over his jaw.

"Hey," Hermione sighed, "You forget that I know you better than that."

"I don't really want to talk about it." Harry said while holding himself back. He tore his eyes away and tried to feign interest in something else.

"Harry," Hermione sighed, "Please. You can tell me. You know that you can tell me anything."

"Just…" Harry let out a groan of aggravation, "I have no idea of what to do now. I mean...What's my purpose now that I've fulfilled my destiny?"

"Harry," Hermione spoke softly, in her own comforting tone. "You get to live now. _Truly live. _Don't you remember what the prophecy said?"

"Neither can live while the other survives," Harry mumbled his tone empty.

"Exactly," Hermione smiled, "You can do anything you want now, Harry. Anything. You'll find your way. I promise." Harry scoffed.

Hermione paused. "Just think, we can finish school next year and then we can…" Hermione trailed off as Harry sighed and ran a hair through his hair. And suddenly she knew. He wasn't coming back to Hogwarts.

"Mione," Harry spoke softly. "I…I'm not staying here."

"What?" Hermione felt as she if she were losing him all over again.

"I can't stay," Harry groaned. "This isn't me. I'm done with being the chosen one. All I want is to be normal, and we both know that I can't do that here."

"But where are you going to go?" Hermione asked.

"I…I don't know," Harry shook his head. "America maybe? I have no idea."

"Well, wherever it is," Hermione said calmly, "Ron and I will come with you."

"Thank you," Harry smiled. "But I can't ask you to do that."

"Sure you can," Hermione argued, "Harry, we're your best friends."

"I know that!" Harry said impatiently, "But it wouldn't be fair to ask that of you. I'd honestly hate myself if you guys gave up everything you've dreamed for. I'll be fine on my own."

"I wouldn't mind giving it up for you, Harry," Hermione defended.

"Then you should," Harry said angrily. "Look, I know you Hermione, you're one of the smartest people I know, and I'm assuming that you've probably had your whole future planned out since you were 12 years old. I'm not going to take that from you. I've already taken too much else."

"You're wrong, you know," Hermione said seriously. "I mean…Of course I thought about what I'd want to do after school, but I still have no idea. Maybe I'll come back for school next year, and maybe I won't. But I'm not as well off as you might think Harry."

"I'm sorry," Harry said softly, "I shouldn't have..."

"It's okay," Hermione cut him off. "Look, just please stop trying to push us away. I'm not going anywhere and neither is Ron." Harry nodded and swallowed, taking in everything she was saying. He could tell that she was frustrated with him and he wasn't about to make things worse. "I'll always be here for you if you need someone to help you figure it out."

"What if you can't help me?" Harry breathed. "_What if_ this is something I have to do on my own."

"But what am I going to do without you?"

Those words seemed to have a profound effect on the pair of them as they crossed the empty space between the two friends. As Hermione realized the gravity of that very question, it caused the empty feeling in her chest to multiply threefold. It had been the same question she had asker herself only hours before. Only Harry hadn't been alive then. Fresh tears were suddenly brimming at Hermione's eyes.

_What would I do without you?_

"Oh no," Harry whispered realizing something was horribly wrong, "Please don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

"I'm sorry," Hermione apologized as her shoulders shook, "It's just that earlier you…disappeared, and I…" Harry pulled her into his arms again and wrapped them around her tightly. This time he didn't let her go. Harry suddenly realized what he had done wrong. She was distraught because of what he had done to her and Ron. And he had been about to do it again. He had hurt Hermione in a way he never meant to.

'Stupid,' Harry silently berated himself as he realized this, 'How could I have been so stupid?' Part of him thought he deserved to be smacked upside the head.

"I'm sorry," Harry apologized, even though he wasn't sure he would ever be able to apologize enough. Hermione's body began to shake in sobs as she buried her head into the crook of his neck and began to breath him in.

"You left," Hermione sobbed, "You left without saying goodbye."

"I know," Harry spoke in a hoarse, broken voice. "I know I did."

"Why?" Hermione had to ask, as tears continued to seep from her eyes. Harry squeezed her tighter as she fought back a sob. "Why did you leave without saying goodbye?"

"Because I couldn't…I couldn't say goodbye to you," Harry confessed causing her to pull away from him. "Or Ron. I just couldn't."

"Hermione," Harry spoke patiently, "I'm really…" He felt as Hermione's clenched fist struck him softly in the chest as she tried to get out the most severe of her emotions. A look of shock took over Harry's features as he realized just what had just happened. Hermione was sobbing uncontrollably now. He could see the surprise in her expression as she too realized what she had just done.

"How could you?" She looked more upset then he had ever seen her before. "How could you do that to me? To us?"

"I thought…" Harry choked out, "I thought that if I saw you, if I tried to say goodbye, that I wouldn't be able to do what it is that I needed to do." Harry swallowed. "And Hermione," Harry choked out, "I had to make sure I could go through with it." Harry took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry, Hermione. I really can't tell you how much. Please...please don't hate me."

"I c-could never hate you," Hermione hiccuped as she tried to calm herself. "Never.

"Harry, I thought…that I would never see you again." her voice full of raw emotion.

"I know," Harry said earnestly, "I know exactly how you feel. And I'm so sorry. Please believe me, when I say that it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life."

"You died," Hermione spoke softly, questioningly, as she pulled away slightly to look at him.

"Yes," Harry choked out in affirmation of the truth, his eyes soft and apologetic. Hermione clung to him tighter than she had ever done so before. "But I'm still here," Harry assuredly whispered in her ear over and over again and stared over her head at the opposite wall, "I'm here, Mione. And I promise that I'm not going to leave you again." He felt as she pulled her arms from around his body and slowly moved them up to his face.

"Do you really mean that?" Harry swallowed as he realized that he could never promise something like that because unfortunately that was out of his control.

"Harry, look at me," Harry's eyes suddenly locked onto hers, their gazes both full of something neither of them could discern at that moment. She reached out and brushed his bangs from his eyes. He leaned into her touch as if he savored it.

Harry's own heart began to pound as she began to run her fingers delicately over his cheekbone and jaw as if she were memorizing every bit of him. He closed his eyes as she ventured up to his eyes, and finally her hands were in his hair. He opened his eyes and she was surprised to see the need in them. When Hermione had reacquainted herself with the feel of his silky hair, she ran her hands softly down his chest, wanting desperately to kiss him.

"Hermione?" Harry's expression was confused, but hopeful at the same time.

"This is real, isn't it?" Hermione, breathed, "I mean I'm not imagining all of this?"

"No, you're not imagining this," Harry breathed tensely, before allowing his body to relax to her touch, "Everything is going to fine, Hermione. It'll be okay. I promise." He took her face gently in his hands, "You don't have to be afraid anymore. We can all find a way to live a normal life."

"Somehow I think our life will be anything but normal," Hermione spoke honestly.

"You're right," Harry sighed as he dropped his hands in defeat, "I guess I managed to mess that bit up too."

"No," Hermione shook her head, "that's not what I meant. What I meant was…that your life so far has been anything but normal. And I don't really think that it's ever going to change."

"I guess that's kind of true," Harry smiled. "I'm not like most people."

"No," Hermione agreed, "You're not."

"I'm sorry for everything, Hermione," Harry apologized honestly, "All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy. I'm sorry I've messed everything up so badly."

"It's not your fault," Hermione said as she looked at him with a hint of anger in her eyes, "Stop apologizing, Harry." Her eyes were a deep chocolate brown as she spoke her next words. "You haven't done anything wrong. You've never done anything wrong."

"If I can't apologize anymore, then what else do you want me to do, Hermione?" Harry asked in frustration as he raked a hand through his hair. His hand dropped to his side as he watched her take a step forwards. He wasn't prepared when Hermione reached out and roughly framed his face with her hands and pulled him down until her lips were pressed to his. Harry was suddenly very aware of every sensation in his body, but was even more aware of the fact that the warmth he felt against his body was in fact Hermione, his best friend. Hermione was kissing him. He couldn't believe it. The woman he trusted more than anyone in the world was letting him kiss her. The girl who had never abandoned him despite the fact that she would have been much better off without him, was kissing him. But most importantly, the person he loved more than anyone else in the world was kissing him. A moment later everything was over, Hermione was pulling away, her cheeks flushed a deep shade of red. Hermione looked into Harry's stunned eyes and finally let herself wonder if she had made an awful mistake.

Her lips were still tingling as she took a step backwards, and she felt so dizzy that she was afraid that she just might fall over backwards.

"I…I'm sorry," Hermione stuttered as she struggled to come up with an explanation for what just happened, "I don't know what came over me." On the opposite side of spectrum, Harry couldn't help but chuckle happily as he licked his lips. He could still taste her and would have been lying if he said he didn't want to taste her again. "I really shouldn't have done that."

"Hermione," Harry tried to interrupt her.

"You know what? I should go…I'm so sorry, Harry, I really am." She apologized again. "I just wanted to say thank you for saving the world. I really appreciate…"

"Hermione…" Harry tried again as she began to flee. Somehow, Harry didn't feel guilty at all, and Harry had a feeling that it was because he was discovering something so much more powerful than he had ever felt before. Perhaps after he had given so much, he _deserved_ to get something in return. Harry smiled as he let himself be selfish for the first time in his life. Everything about Hermione was amazing. Harry knew it, and he wasn't about to let her go.

Harry chased after her, cutting off her escape. He grabbed her arm softly but firmly in his grasp and spun her back around to face him. Hermione watched him pause for a moment as if weighing his options, and then, he pulled her into him with a gentle force, crashing his lips down onto her plush ones. At first, he captured them in a soft tentative kiss before he pushed his body into hers and deepened it.

Her lips were soft and pliable under his, and responded to his quickly. The kiss was nothing short of contradictory. It was sweet and passionate as well as needy and reassuring, all at the same time. Harry could do nothing but let out a sigh of contentment as his hands were suddenly in her hair exploring the soft curls that he'd played with on so many occasions before in only a platonic way. Hermione's hair was undeniably intoxicating. Harry had dreamt about it every so often over the last few years, but up until this moment he had never realized how amazing it actually felt to run his hands through it.

For the first time, Hermione reached up behind his neck and began to play with the messy hair at the nape of his neck. She too was realizing how amazing it felt to touch and be touched. She kissed him back with a fervent urgency. Oh God, she kissed him back. Harry quickly realized how much he'd been missing out on. He loves her, he's been in love with her for so long, and he can't help but moan with the pleasure of it all. Just as suddenly Harry let himself enjoy all of the amazing things about this moment, a traitorous thought was pushing itself to the forefront of his thoughts, causing him to pull away.

"Wait…Wait a minute...What about you and Ron?" Harry panted as he pulled away a moment later, "I thought that you two were…"

"Shh," Hermione silenced him. "Just forget about everyone else for a moment, okay? Just enjoy this. This is for you."

"Hermione…" Harry tried to protest again.

"Are you really going to make me say it, Harry?" Hermione asked coyly, "I want this…I want you, Harry. Only you." Harry let out a gasp of surprise as she said this.

"You do?" Harry's eyes lit up.

"I…" Hermione looked horrified. Had she said too much? "Do you?" Hermione couldn't help but ask.

"I asked you first," Harry said smugly, with a wide crooked smile.

"I…Oh, of course I do, Harry," Hermione breathed. "Gosh…I can't believe it's taken me so long to figure it out."

"Oh Hermione," Harry said happily, "I feel the exact same way."

"Really?" Hermione found herself asking, just for insurance purposes.

"Yes, Hermione," Harry chuckled, "Only I've known it for a while..."

"How long?" Hermione found herself asking, "How long have you had feelings for me?"

"Since the end of third year," Harry said as he ran his hand through his hair out of distress.

"And you never said anything?" Hermione felt angry now. All those years she had feelings for Harry but was convinced he would never feel the same way.

"I couldn't," Harry muttered. "I…I knew that Ron liked you during fourth year and I just couldn't hurt him like that. And then fifth year, I was distant from you both. And last year was a bloody mess. I could only assume you had feelings for him…and… I just couldn't say anything. I kind of convinced myself it would be better not knowing."

"Oh, I feel so stupid," Hermione said as fresh tears moistened her eyes.

"Don't," Harry said softly. "I'm sorry. I should have told you. I should have done so many things. I guess all I can do now is this…" Harry trailed off as he kissed her once more with a great intensity and passion before pulling away and leaving her wanting more. As Harry looked at Hermione he saw something that he knew he couldn't live without. He saw his best friend, he saw a beautiful girl, but most importantly he saw his first love, and what he could only hope would be his last.


End file.
